WHY SHOULD YOU CARE ABOUT BODY LANGUAGE
It is difficult to overestimate the power of body language. Those who pretend to be experts throw around figures such as 75 percent 85 percent, even 90 percent when they try to define how much of a message is communicated non-verbally rather than verbally. It actually differs from context to context and individual. There is no fixed number or even an average. The bottom line is the power of even the very best verbal communication pales in comparison to the power of body language and non-verbal communication.
Stinky People.
They bother me.
I confess it, here and now.
I'm "smell sensitive."
I can tell someone what they had for lunch, whether they had alcohol, were near a cigarette, and whether I can stay within meters of them because of their body's scent.
So at the conscious and probably non-conscious level you and I are aware to a greater or lesser degree of scent, and it causes us to form opinions about people.
But sometimes all of this happens at the non-conscious level.......and sometimes the result of scientific research is a little scary.
Research shows that females are far more attracted to males with other females scents on them.
Notice that it is not the scent of perfume, which obviously covers scent, but the scent of another female.
It appears that evolution has supplied females a yardstick with which to measure males. Females have an olfactory sensitivity about 10 times that of males in terms of sexuality and pheromones.
Evolution determines that females instinctively seek a fertile partner with good genes and by virtue of having another woman's scent on him, the male has been already "tested and approved."
And all of this happens at the non-conscious level.
If you communicate to earn a living you must obviously master non-verbal communication.
I sometimes come across people during y events who doubt the influence of body language or simply don't believe it is such an important part of life.
They usually agree it is important when giving formal presentations and the like, but when it comes to daily activities it is something that's just there in the background often these people attend the seminar because their boss is making them go, or they feel they have to attend as part of their career development plan. In other words, they are physically present but not necessarily mentally or emotionally engaged in the process.
When I meet someone who holds this opinion I like to go through a quick but powerful exercise. I ask the person to list at least five things she has done that day, promising to show her how body language affected each activity. I write each activity on a separate piece of flip chart paper, leaving plenty of room on the paper for later on in the exercise.
Here's a typical list from a body language skeptic:
1. I woke up.
2. I ate breakfast.
3. I drove to the post office.
4. I stopped to pick up coffee.
5. I came to this body language seminar.
This list is usually accompanied by a somewhat smug expression, almost daring me to find anything related to body language in the daily mundane activities of life. Imagine the surprise, then, when I start down responding to the list, making notes on each flip chart sheet that look something like this:
1. You woke up. When the alarm went off you may have grimaced, given a heavy and dejected sigh, sat up with shoulders slumped and head hanging down. All of those non-verbal behaviors influenced your own attitude and feelings about waking up. If there was naother person in the room, your non-verbal behaviors influenced his or her impression of you, expectations of interacting with you, and hos or her own attitude toward getting out of bed.
2. You ate breakfast. You walked into the kitchen with a certain posture and body movement. It may have been upright and eyes looking forward or it may have been hunched over and eyes looking down as you ate breakfast, you might have sat with shoulders slumped or with shoulders held back. Maybe you were focuswed on newspaper, ignoring the cat or dog trying to attract your attention. If there were other people in the room, a slumped posture and focus on the newspaper would have made them reluctant to speak with you; an upright posture, eye contact and pleasant facial expression would have made them eager to speak with you.
3. You drove to the post office. You turned the car into the street and began driving, both hands firmly on the wheel and eyes focused on the road. Other drivers caught a glimpse of your posture and focus, immedicately forming an opinion about what actions to expect from you as you drove past. Or, you might have sat slumped back one elbow on the center armrest, head tilted slightly to one side as if daydreaming or thinking about something else. Perhaps you were taling on your cell phone smiling pleasantly or with a stern look on your face. When you arrived at the post office, you got out of the car and slammed the door and walked directly into the building. Others nearby observed this behavior and made an instant judgment about your attitude and what they might expect if they were to interact with you. If there was another person in the car with you during the drive, your non-verbal behaviors influenced his willingness to talk to you, his feelings of safety, and his sense of whether or not you were happy to have him in the car with you.
4. You stopped to pick up coffee. You drove up to the coffee stand and rolled down your window. You looked up, made eye contact, smiled and said good morning. The person behind the counter preeted you back with a friendly smile and sincere hello. She judged you a nice person and turned to make your coffee, perhaps with a bit ore care because you have made a positive impression. On the other hand, you may have arrived at the coffee stand with a stern facial expression. When the server greet you, you didn't smile back or exchange greetings; you placed your order and turned your head in a way that apeared dismissive. You did not make a very positive impression, and the person behind the counter judged you to be grumpy. Her most immediate goal is to make your coffee, collect the money, and get you out of there.
5. You came to this body language seminar. You walked into the seminar room and looked for a place to sit. You walked slowly, almost casually, with a bored or stern look on your face because you really didn't want to be here. You chose a seat in the back of the room so you could be physically present but avoid any active involvement. The use of round tables rather than rows of chairs worried you because you might have to interact with others at the table, so you picked a table that was empty and spread out your things. Your head was down with an expression of concentration on your face sending the message that you were busy and not interested in chatting or being enthusiastic about the seminar. Or perhaps you walked into the room with an upright posture and a confident stride. You paused to look around, smiling and greeting people who walked past you. Your eyes scanned the room, making eye contact with various people, and you selected a seat near the front. You reached out to shake hands with others at the table,introducing yourself with a smile and a nod of the head. You placed your things nearby but not blocking you, and make eye contact with the people around you. You chatted a bit, nodding your head, leaning forward, smiling, and using a variety of facial expressions during the conversation.
By the time I get to the end of the list, everyone in the room is paying attention. Some nod their heads in a wise way, as if to say, "Yup, I already knew all of that," while others laugh nervously or self-consciously, recognizing themselves in the examples just given and feeling glad they were not the one whose morning activities were discussed.
Now getting back to the original question at the beginning of this section - why should you care about body language? Because body language is a major part of communication and you are constantly communicating, so when your body language became more effective your communicates does as well and you begin to influence in the direction of choice and not randomness.
The rest of this chapter will look closely at the three will look closely at the three key communication roles we all play - sender, receiver, and observer. Body language and non-verbal behaviors affect all of these roles in a great number of ways, so it's worth spending some extra time going into them in a more detailed manner.
When You Are the Sender
When you are the sender of the message, your body language is an amazing mix of behaviors. Your behaviors can shift rapidly at times, slowly at other times, but they are always there in one form or another. A sender's body language is generally categorized as either conscious or non-conscious, but I like to use the words deliberate and spontaneous instead. These words do a much better job of capturing the nature of certain behavior and how they appear in your daily life.
Deliberate body language
You consciously choose these behaviors because they serve a specific purpose. For instance, when you walk into a room for a job interview, you hold yourself in an upright posture, smile, shake hands, and introduce yourself to others in the room. Somewhere along the line, you were taught these are the non-verbal behaviors that express your professionalism, enthusiasm, and openness. There are people who seem to just naturally exhibit these behaviors without being taught, but regardless of your existing natural tendencies, it is very likely you will choose to emphasize them in an interview situation.
Another great example of deliberate body language occurs every year during the Academy Awards in Hollywood. For each award, the presenter reads the names of the nominees and the TV cameras focus in on each of them. When the winner's name is read the other nominees continue smiling, and they applaud and may even nod their head in agreement with the choice made by the judges. These are all deliberate, non-verbal behaviors, designed to cover up their own disappointment and to show them behaving in a socially appropriate way. It might feel good to grimace, pout, or stomp out in a huff, but those are not considered polite behaviors so each non-winner makes a conscious effort to use appropriate body language.
What about in your everyday life? What kinds of deliberate body language do you use?
Here are a few examples I have heard in my seminars and workshops:
1. If you are moving into line at the grocery store checkout counter and another person is approaching at the same time, avoid eye contact with that person and walk confidently into line so you end up ahead of her instead of behind her.
2. Avoid eye contact and move away from the boss if you're late with a task or project.
3. A new teacher walks into his classroom on the first day of school with confidence and a calm demeanor, despite feeling terrified.
4. You smile, shake hands, and politely say hello when your ex-girlfriend introduces you to her new boyfriend.
5. When disciplining a child, stay standing while the child stays seated. This higher position gives you added authority.
6. You take your son along with you to a dental appointment, and although you are very nervous about the root canal the dentist is about to perform, you smile and act confident to set a good example for your son.
7. You hate broccoli with a passion, but when you arrive at your boyfriend's home to have dinner with his parents for the first time, you discover the main dish is broccoli casserole. Despite your inner feelings, you eat the casseroli with your head nodding approval, your eyes closed in enjoyment, and your face set in a smile when his mother offers to give you the recipe.
8. It's 3 a.m., and your dogs wake up whining to go outside. You lay completely still, making a deliberate effort to breathe deeply and steadily so it appears you are still asleep. After a few minutes of this, your spouse grumbles, throws back the covers and takes the dogs to the back door.
I'm continually amazed at the creative and interesting examples brought up during seminars. Just when I think I've heard every possible example there could be, someone comes up with something entirely new to add to my list.
Read Some Sending Samples
Women read signals from men in ways that most men would not.
Women look at the condition of the inside of a man's car. Specifically, are the front and back seats clean?
Women expect men to be on time, and they lose brownie points when they are not.
Women do not want to be gazed at by men whose eyes are above their eye level if the woman have no sexual interest in the men.
So far, I've talked about deliberate body language in terms of non-verbal behaviors you choose to use as part of your communication, but there is another side to this you should understand. There are times when deliberate body language consists of no action or behavior at all. Your choice to avoid showing a behavior is a deliberate behavior all on its own.
If you have ever worked in an office filled with cubicles you'll probably understand this one right away.
A coworker walks down the aisle making an announcement that her daughter is selling wrapping paper as a school fundraiser. She is waving the order form around, looking for eye contact or some indication of interest. You make the deliberate choice of keep working along, staying seated and with your eyes on your computer. You don't even turn your head to glance at her because you don't want to say "no" right to her face (and you can't slap her because you'd get written up).
Here's another one, straight from the real-world experience of most parents. Your son and daughter are in the kitchen arguing over something minor, while you're in the living room reading. The argument continues and you think about intervening to help resolve the situation so you can get back to reading in peace and quiet, but you decide to let them sort it out for themselves. You continue reading not turning your head to look or listen, not appearing to even notice there is an argument going on right in the next room. There is no noticeable change in your body language, but because it is due to a conscious choice, your lack of behavior is an example of deliberate body language.
Spontaneous body language
These behaviors occur automatically and unintentionally. For instance, when you are startled by a scary scenc in a movie you gasp, jump back a little, and your facial expression turns to fear. These behaviors may only last for a few seconds, but they are very real nonetheless. What's more, they influence your view of yourself and others' views of you as well.
It is possible to learn how to minimize and even control spontaneous behaviors, but it takes time and practice. Your personality type has a strong influence on how easily and how well you handle these behaviors, too. If you are very outgoing, expressive, and extroverted then you are naturally freer with your spontaneous body language and will have a tougher time learning to manage it. If you are reserved, introverted, and tend to internalize, you are naturally more controlled with your spontaneous body language and will probably have a much easier time learning to manage it.
Children, teenagers, and young adults tend to show the most spontaneous non-verbal behaviors because they are less practiced at hiding and covering them up. They have not yet been fully indoctrinated by society and its expectations for what is and isn't appropriate. For instance, children who see an adult with a large scar or facial disfigurement are likely to spontaneously pull back, grimace, and point. They don't mean to be rude or disrespectful, they simply haven't learned how to mask and manage those spontaneous non-verbal behaviors that might be hurtful or embarrassing to someone else.
Over time and with experience most people learn to manage it. You might have learned to avoid crying when you miss out on a promotion, but if a friend, relative, or beloved pet dies then tears are likely to come pouring out all on their own. The body language associated with anger is another area where most people learn to mask their behaviors unless the anger is overwhelming in some way.
One interesting aspect of spontaneous body language is that these behaviors are often faked in an attempt to gain attention or advantage. An obvious example is a teenage girl who pretends to be startled by a boy whom she likes as a way to get him to notice her. Another is an adult who might pretend to be surprised when given an award of some sort as a way to appearing humble.
There is a real irony in all of this, of course. When you fake a spontaneous non-verbal behavior, it becomes a deliberate non-verbal behavior, so it technically belongs in the previous seciton of this chapter.
When You Are The Receiver
When you are the receiver of a message, body language plays an important role in two major ways - your own non-verbal behaviors and your interpretation of the sender's non-verbal behaviors. In other words the receiver has to simultaneously take in the sender's message engage in his own deliberate and/or spontaneous body language and interpret the sender's body language. All of this occurs in just a few seconds or less, and what's more, it occurs continuously throughout the interaction.
As I describe this process in a seminar environment, it's amazing to watch the faces and behaviors of participants as the complexity of it all sinks in. They start to catch a glimpse of just how ingrained body language is throughout every aspect of our lives. It becomes even more interesting when I ask people to give me an analogy that accurately describes the process.
My own personal favorite is the analogy of two jugglers tossing oranges back and forth to each other. Each juggler is focused on keeping his own oranges in the air, throwing extra oranges to the other juggler, and catching the oranges thrown to him by the other juggler.
Now, let's get back to the receiver portion of an interaction. When you are on the receiving end of a message, you are literally processing hundreds (if not thousands) of bits of information all at once, so your brain is forced to do a lot of that processing unconsciously. You simply couldn't handle the huge flow of information otherwise.
If you have been guessing or judging behaviors and not checking to see if you were right (like 99.99 percent of people on this planet) you'll find your instincts are wrong far more often than they are right.
Problem is we rarely see where we are wrong, because we are always looking to find where we are right about stuff, and that is why we think we are good at reading body language when in truth, our failure to do so has cost us millions of dollars and ruined relationships to boot.
It turns out that non-verbal information is processed almost entirely in the unconscious mind. Human beings are extremely sensitive to non-verbal communication, so much so that you can make a decision about the body language you see but not be able to identify exactly which parts of that language led you to your final conclusion.
Some people tend to be more sensitive to body language than others, most notably women.
It may sound sexist or reverse sexist if there is such a thing, but it's not: the scientific research is rock solid. Most experts think the gender difference is based in nature, in part because women are traditionally most responsible for infant care and an infant's primary form of communication is non-verbal. Of course, this is not the entire story, but it is an interesting part of it.
Regardless of your gender, receiving requires you to make judgments about the message, such as:
1. Is it truthful?
2. Is it sincere?
3. Is it accurate?
4. Is it urgent?
5. Is it important?
6. Is it complete?
Receiving also requires you to make judgments about the sender, such as:
1. Is he hiding something?
2. Is he trying to manipulate me?
3. Is he encouraging me?
4. Is she angry?
5. Is he trying to avoid a sensitive topic?
6. Is she trying to intimidate me?
When you are the receiver, your interpretation of a message is based on many things - words, experience, personality, previous interactions, and so on - but body language is thought to be one of the most influential factors in your interpretation.
When You Are The Observer
When you are the observer, the body language component of communication takes on entirely new dimensions. You are not directly involved in the communication interaction so observation of body language and non-verbal behaviors becomes even more critical to interpreting what is happening.
Observation is not objective, however. You bring your own likes dislikes, biases, experiences, and personal qualities to every observation opportunity as do all of the other observers of a particular interaction. This explains why several people can observe the same event and walk away with completely different accounts of the event.
Here's an example of how this happens. Let's say you are very reserved introverted person. You are not prone to expressing your emotions and your body language is nearly always controlled and conservative. One afternoon you walk into your office and observe a discussion between two people, Joe and Jim.
Joe is very expressive and extroverted, while Jim is reserved and introverted. Joe and Jim have an energetic conversation about a difficult subject, and they are unable to reach an acceptable agreement between them. Later on your manager asks you what happened between Joe and Jim.
From your perspective as a reserved person, you may interpret Joe's expressive body language as being angry, emotional or otherwise too extreme for the situation. On the other hand, you may interpret Jim's reserved body language as being calm, reasonable, and controlled. Another person who is more expressive would probably have an entirely different interpretation of the interaction between Joe and Jim.
Even your mood has a powerful impact on observation and interpretation of communication interactions. If you are in a bad mood and feeling negative, you are much more likely to interpret others as having that sae kind of bad mood and negative feelings. What if you are in a happy positive mood? You guessed it. Your interpretations are much more likely to perceive happiness and a positive mood in the body language and non-verbal behaviors of others.
Another factor in your interpretation as an observer is the relationship you have with the person or people you observe. You will naturally tend to observe and interpret the body language of a close friend or family member entirely different criteria than you would if observing a stranger, new acquaintance, or someone whom you strongly dislike.
Now, I'm not saying you are not a trustworthy observer just because you have your own perceptions, moods, and relationships. You are a human being so there is no way to be 100 percent unbiased and objective about anything.
What I want you to think about is how your own communication characteristics influence your interpretation of others' body language, and the effect it has on your judgment about a message, a sender, a receiver, or any combination of these. Awareness is the most important step toward choosing thoughtful, observation rather than simply relying on gut reaction and unconscious interpretation.
Astonishing Body Language Facts
The Finger Factor
You may not need your entire body to evaluate some general tendencies you might posses.
Look at your right hand and note the length of your index finger compared with the ring finger.
Most women (female pattern) have the fingers almost exactly the same length.
Most men (male pattern) have a shorter index finger.
Male pattern is more likely to be good at math.
Men with male are more likely to be physically aggressive throughout life.
Homosexual women tend to have a male pattern hand.
Men with older brothers have a masculine finger length than men without older brothers.
Men with more feminine finger ratios are more prone to depression.
Children with longer ring fingers compared to index fingers are likely to have higher math scores than literacy or verbal scores on the SAT college entrance exam.
Students with the reverse finger-length ratio are likely to have higher reading and writing, or verbal scores versus math scores.
Finally, all of these facts are on average. They are one piece of information you now have that you didn't when you bought this book.
Chapter 2 Takeaways
1. Body language and non-verbal behaviors are the most powerful part of the communication process. Most people don't realize just how powerful they truly are until they take a fresh look at their own body language during even the most mundane daily activities.
2. When you are the sender of a message your body language is a complex mix of behaviors. They can generally be categorized as either deliberate (conscious) or spontaneous (unconscious).
3. Deliberate body language can take the form of choosing a particular action or choosing not to take action at all. Spontaneous body language is automatic and unintentional. Learning to control it and manage it for different situations and social norms requires time and experience.
4. Children teenagers, and young adults tend to exhibit the most spontaneous non-verbal behaviors; this is primarily due to their relative youth and lack of life experiences. Adults who are expressive and extroverted tend to exhibit more spontaneous body language than do adults who are reserved and introverted.
5. When you are the receiver of a message, body language plays an important role. You interpret the sender's non-verbal behaviors and manage your own non-verbal behaviors. Receiving requires the processing of large amounts of information, so your brain handles most of it unconsciously. As the receiver, you make judgments about the message itself as well as about the sender.
6. When you are the observer, you rely even more on body language and non-verbal behaviors to interpret an interaction. Your own tendencies (expressive vs. reserved) influence your interpretations, as do many other things such as your mood, your personality, and your relationship with the observed participants.
Chapter 2 Worksheet
1. Review the Chapter 2 Takeaways and answer the following:
1. Which key point(s) did you find most interesting?
Why?
2. Which key point(s) did you find most surprising?
Why?
2. Imagine you are a body language skeptic. Write down three to five activities you have done today, and then write down all of the ways body language, and non-verbal behaviors influenced those activities.
3. Think about a communication interaction where you were the sender. Write down the body language and non-verbal behaviors you used and note which ones were deliberate and which ones were spontaneous.
4. Think about a communication interaction where you were the receiver. Write down the body language and non-verbal behaviors you processed, and then note how you interpreted the message, and how you interpret the sender.
5. Think about a communication interaction where you were the observer. How did your own personality, perception, mood, and personal relationships influence your observations and interpretations?
Stinky People.
They bother me.
I confess it, here and now.
I'm "smell sensitive."
I can tell someone what they had for lunch, whether they had alcohol, were near a cigarette, and whether I can stay within meters of them because of their body's scent.
So at the conscious and probably non-conscious level you and I are aware to a greater or lesser degree of scent, and it causes us to form opinions about people.
But sometimes all of this happens at the non-conscious level.......and sometimes the result of scientific research is a little scary.
Research shows that females are far more attracted to males with other females scents on them.
Notice that it is not the scent of perfume, which obviously covers scent, but the scent of another female.
It appears that evolution has supplied females a yardstick with which to measure males. Females have an olfactory sensitivity about 10 times that of males in terms of sexuality and pheromones.
Evolution determines that females instinctively seek a fertile partner with good genes and by virtue of having another woman's scent on him, the male has been already "tested and approved."
And all of this happens at the non-conscious level.
If you communicate to earn a living you must obviously master non-verbal communication.
I sometimes come across people during y events who doubt the influence of body language or simply don't believe it is such an important part of life.
They usually agree it is important when giving formal presentations and the like, but when it comes to daily activities it is something that's just there in the background often these people attend the seminar because their boss is making them go, or they feel they have to attend as part of their career development plan. In other words, they are physically present but not necessarily mentally or emotionally engaged in the process.
When I meet someone who holds this opinion I like to go through a quick but powerful exercise. I ask the person to list at least five things she has done that day, promising to show her how body language affected each activity. I write each activity on a separate piece of flip chart paper, leaving plenty of room on the paper for later on in the exercise.
Here's a typical list from a body language skeptic:
1. I woke up.
2. I ate breakfast.
3. I drove to the post office.
4. I stopped to pick up coffee.
5. I came to this body language seminar.
This list is usually accompanied by a somewhat smug expression, almost daring me to find anything related to body language in the daily mundane activities of life. Imagine the surprise, then, when I start down responding to the list, making notes on each flip chart sheet that look something like this:
1. You woke up. When the alarm went off you may have grimaced, given a heavy and dejected sigh, sat up with shoulders slumped and head hanging down. All of those non-verbal behaviors influenced your own attitude and feelings about waking up. If there was naother person in the room, your non-verbal behaviors influenced his or her impression of you, expectations of interacting with you, and hos or her own attitude toward getting out of bed.
2. You ate breakfast. You walked into the kitchen with a certain posture and body movement. It may have been upright and eyes looking forward or it may have been hunched over and eyes looking down as you ate breakfast, you might have sat with shoulders slumped or with shoulders held back. Maybe you were focuswed on newspaper, ignoring the cat or dog trying to attract your attention. If there were other people in the room, a slumped posture and focus on the newspaper would have made them reluctant to speak with you; an upright posture, eye contact and pleasant facial expression would have made them eager to speak with you.
3. You drove to the post office. You turned the car into the street and began driving, both hands firmly on the wheel and eyes focused on the road. Other drivers caught a glimpse of your posture and focus, immedicately forming an opinion about what actions to expect from you as you drove past. Or, you might have sat slumped back one elbow on the center armrest, head tilted slightly to one side as if daydreaming or thinking about something else. Perhaps you were taling on your cell phone smiling pleasantly or with a stern look on your face. When you arrived at the post office, you got out of the car and slammed the door and walked directly into the building. Others nearby observed this behavior and made an instant judgment about your attitude and what they might expect if they were to interact with you. If there was another person in the car with you during the drive, your non-verbal behaviors influenced his willingness to talk to you, his feelings of safety, and his sense of whether or not you were happy to have him in the car with you.
4. You stopped to pick up coffee. You drove up to the coffee stand and rolled down your window. You looked up, made eye contact, smiled and said good morning. The person behind the counter preeted you back with a friendly smile and sincere hello. She judged you a nice person and turned to make your coffee, perhaps with a bit ore care because you have made a positive impression. On the other hand, you may have arrived at the coffee stand with a stern facial expression. When the server greet you, you didn't smile back or exchange greetings; you placed your order and turned your head in a way that apeared dismissive. You did not make a very positive impression, and the person behind the counter judged you to be grumpy. Her most immediate goal is to make your coffee, collect the money, and get you out of there.
5. You came to this body language seminar. You walked into the seminar room and looked for a place to sit. You walked slowly, almost casually, with a bored or stern look on your face because you really didn't want to be here. You chose a seat in the back of the room so you could be physically present but avoid any active involvement. The use of round tables rather than rows of chairs worried you because you might have to interact with others at the table, so you picked a table that was empty and spread out your things. Your head was down with an expression of concentration on your face sending the message that you were busy and not interested in chatting or being enthusiastic about the seminar. Or perhaps you walked into the room with an upright posture and a confident stride. You paused to look around, smiling and greeting people who walked past you. Your eyes scanned the room, making eye contact with various people, and you selected a seat near the front. You reached out to shake hands with others at the table,introducing yourself with a smile and a nod of the head. You placed your things nearby but not blocking you, and make eye contact with the people around you. You chatted a bit, nodding your head, leaning forward, smiling, and using a variety of facial expressions during the conversation.
By the time I get to the end of the list, everyone in the room is paying attention. Some nod their heads in a wise way, as if to say, "Yup, I already knew all of that," while others laugh nervously or self-consciously, recognizing themselves in the examples just given and feeling glad they were not the one whose morning activities were discussed.
Now getting back to the original question at the beginning of this section - why should you care about body language? Because body language is a major part of communication and you are constantly communicating, so when your body language became more effective your communicates does as well and you begin to influence in the direction of choice and not randomness.
The rest of this chapter will look closely at the three will look closely at the three key communication roles we all play - sender, receiver, and observer. Body language and non-verbal behaviors affect all of these roles in a great number of ways, so it's worth spending some extra time going into them in a more detailed manner.
When You Are the Sender
When you are the sender of the message, your body language is an amazing mix of behaviors. Your behaviors can shift rapidly at times, slowly at other times, but they are always there in one form or another. A sender's body language is generally categorized as either conscious or non-conscious, but I like to use the words deliberate and spontaneous instead. These words do a much better job of capturing the nature of certain behavior and how they appear in your daily life.
Deliberate body language
You consciously choose these behaviors because they serve a specific purpose. For instance, when you walk into a room for a job interview, you hold yourself in an upright posture, smile, shake hands, and introduce yourself to others in the room. Somewhere along the line, you were taught these are the non-verbal behaviors that express your professionalism, enthusiasm, and openness. There are people who seem to just naturally exhibit these behaviors without being taught, but regardless of your existing natural tendencies, it is very likely you will choose to emphasize them in an interview situation.
Another great example of deliberate body language occurs every year during the Academy Awards in Hollywood. For each award, the presenter reads the names of the nominees and the TV cameras focus in on each of them. When the winner's name is read the other nominees continue smiling, and they applaud and may even nod their head in agreement with the choice made by the judges. These are all deliberate, non-verbal behaviors, designed to cover up their own disappointment and to show them behaving in a socially appropriate way. It might feel good to grimace, pout, or stomp out in a huff, but those are not considered polite behaviors so each non-winner makes a conscious effort to use appropriate body language.
What about in your everyday life? What kinds of deliberate body language do you use?
Here are a few examples I have heard in my seminars and workshops:
1. If you are moving into line at the grocery store checkout counter and another person is approaching at the same time, avoid eye contact with that person and walk confidently into line so you end up ahead of her instead of behind her.
2. Avoid eye contact and move away from the boss if you're late with a task or project.
3. A new teacher walks into his classroom on the first day of school with confidence and a calm demeanor, despite feeling terrified.
4. You smile, shake hands, and politely say hello when your ex-girlfriend introduces you to her new boyfriend.
5. When disciplining a child, stay standing while the child stays seated. This higher position gives you added authority.
6. You take your son along with you to a dental appointment, and although you are very nervous about the root canal the dentist is about to perform, you smile and act confident to set a good example for your son.
7. You hate broccoli with a passion, but when you arrive at your boyfriend's home to have dinner with his parents for the first time, you discover the main dish is broccoli casserole. Despite your inner feelings, you eat the casseroli with your head nodding approval, your eyes closed in enjoyment, and your face set in a smile when his mother offers to give you the recipe.
8. It's 3 a.m., and your dogs wake up whining to go outside. You lay completely still, making a deliberate effort to breathe deeply and steadily so it appears you are still asleep. After a few minutes of this, your spouse grumbles, throws back the covers and takes the dogs to the back door.
I'm continually amazed at the creative and interesting examples brought up during seminars. Just when I think I've heard every possible example there could be, someone comes up with something entirely new to add to my list.
Read Some Sending Samples
Women read signals from men in ways that most men would not.
Women look at the condition of the inside of a man's car. Specifically, are the front and back seats clean?
Women expect men to be on time, and they lose brownie points when they are not.
Women do not want to be gazed at by men whose eyes are above their eye level if the woman have no sexual interest in the men.
So far, I've talked about deliberate body language in terms of non-verbal behaviors you choose to use as part of your communication, but there is another side to this you should understand. There are times when deliberate body language consists of no action or behavior at all. Your choice to avoid showing a behavior is a deliberate behavior all on its own.
If you have ever worked in an office filled with cubicles you'll probably understand this one right away.
A coworker walks down the aisle making an announcement that her daughter is selling wrapping paper as a school fundraiser. She is waving the order form around, looking for eye contact or some indication of interest. You make the deliberate choice of keep working along, staying seated and with your eyes on your computer. You don't even turn your head to glance at her because you don't want to say "no" right to her face (and you can't slap her because you'd get written up).
Here's another one, straight from the real-world experience of most parents. Your son and daughter are in the kitchen arguing over something minor, while you're in the living room reading. The argument continues and you think about intervening to help resolve the situation so you can get back to reading in peace and quiet, but you decide to let them sort it out for themselves. You continue reading not turning your head to look or listen, not appearing to even notice there is an argument going on right in the next room. There is no noticeable change in your body language, but because it is due to a conscious choice, your lack of behavior is an example of deliberate body language.
Spontaneous body language
These behaviors occur automatically and unintentionally. For instance, when you are startled by a scary scenc in a movie you gasp, jump back a little, and your facial expression turns to fear. These behaviors may only last for a few seconds, but they are very real nonetheless. What's more, they influence your view of yourself and others' views of you as well.
It is possible to learn how to minimize and even control spontaneous behaviors, but it takes time and practice. Your personality type has a strong influence on how easily and how well you handle these behaviors, too. If you are very outgoing, expressive, and extroverted then you are naturally freer with your spontaneous body language and will have a tougher time learning to manage it. If you are reserved, introverted, and tend to internalize, you are naturally more controlled with your spontaneous body language and will probably have a much easier time learning to manage it.
Children, teenagers, and young adults tend to show the most spontaneous non-verbal behaviors because they are less practiced at hiding and covering them up. They have not yet been fully indoctrinated by society and its expectations for what is and isn't appropriate. For instance, children who see an adult with a large scar or facial disfigurement are likely to spontaneously pull back, grimace, and point. They don't mean to be rude or disrespectful, they simply haven't learned how to mask and manage those spontaneous non-verbal behaviors that might be hurtful or embarrassing to someone else.
Over time and with experience most people learn to manage it. You might have learned to avoid crying when you miss out on a promotion, but if a friend, relative, or beloved pet dies then tears are likely to come pouring out all on their own. The body language associated with anger is another area where most people learn to mask their behaviors unless the anger is overwhelming in some way.
One interesting aspect of spontaneous body language is that these behaviors are often faked in an attempt to gain attention or advantage. An obvious example is a teenage girl who pretends to be startled by a boy whom she likes as a way to get him to notice her. Another is an adult who might pretend to be surprised when given an award of some sort as a way to appearing humble.
There is a real irony in all of this, of course. When you fake a spontaneous non-verbal behavior, it becomes a deliberate non-verbal behavior, so it technically belongs in the previous seciton of this chapter.
When You Are The Receiver
When you are the receiver of a message, body language plays an important role in two major ways - your own non-verbal behaviors and your interpretation of the sender's non-verbal behaviors. In other words the receiver has to simultaneously take in the sender's message engage in his own deliberate and/or spontaneous body language and interpret the sender's body language. All of this occurs in just a few seconds or less, and what's more, it occurs continuously throughout the interaction.
As I describe this process in a seminar environment, it's amazing to watch the faces and behaviors of participants as the complexity of it all sinks in. They start to catch a glimpse of just how ingrained body language is throughout every aspect of our lives. It becomes even more interesting when I ask people to give me an analogy that accurately describes the process.
My own personal favorite is the analogy of two jugglers tossing oranges back and forth to each other. Each juggler is focused on keeping his own oranges in the air, throwing extra oranges to the other juggler, and catching the oranges thrown to him by the other juggler.
Now, let's get back to the receiver portion of an interaction. When you are on the receiving end of a message, you are literally processing hundreds (if not thousands) of bits of information all at once, so your brain is forced to do a lot of that processing unconsciously. You simply couldn't handle the huge flow of information otherwise.
If you have been guessing or judging behaviors and not checking to see if you were right (like 99.99 percent of people on this planet) you'll find your instincts are wrong far more often than they are right.
Problem is we rarely see where we are wrong, because we are always looking to find where we are right about stuff, and that is why we think we are good at reading body language when in truth, our failure to do so has cost us millions of dollars and ruined relationships to boot.
It turns out that non-verbal information is processed almost entirely in the unconscious mind. Human beings are extremely sensitive to non-verbal communication, so much so that you can make a decision about the body language you see but not be able to identify exactly which parts of that language led you to your final conclusion.
Some people tend to be more sensitive to body language than others, most notably women.
It may sound sexist or reverse sexist if there is such a thing, but it's not: the scientific research is rock solid. Most experts think the gender difference is based in nature, in part because women are traditionally most responsible for infant care and an infant's primary form of communication is non-verbal. Of course, this is not the entire story, but it is an interesting part of it.
Regardless of your gender, receiving requires you to make judgments about the message, such as:
1. Is it truthful?
2. Is it sincere?
3. Is it accurate?
4. Is it urgent?
5. Is it important?
6. Is it complete?
Receiving also requires you to make judgments about the sender, such as:
1. Is he hiding something?
2. Is he trying to manipulate me?
3. Is he encouraging me?
4. Is she angry?
5. Is he trying to avoid a sensitive topic?
6. Is she trying to intimidate me?
When you are the receiver, your interpretation of a message is based on many things - words, experience, personality, previous interactions, and so on - but body language is thought to be one of the most influential factors in your interpretation.
When You Are The Observer
When you are the observer, the body language component of communication takes on entirely new dimensions. You are not directly involved in the communication interaction so observation of body language and non-verbal behaviors becomes even more critical to interpreting what is happening.
Observation is not objective, however. You bring your own likes dislikes, biases, experiences, and personal qualities to every observation opportunity as do all of the other observers of a particular interaction. This explains why several people can observe the same event and walk away with completely different accounts of the event.
Here's an example of how this happens. Let's say you are very reserved introverted person. You are not prone to expressing your emotions and your body language is nearly always controlled and conservative. One afternoon you walk into your office and observe a discussion between two people, Joe and Jim.
Joe is very expressive and extroverted, while Jim is reserved and introverted. Joe and Jim have an energetic conversation about a difficult subject, and they are unable to reach an acceptable agreement between them. Later on your manager asks you what happened between Joe and Jim.
From your perspective as a reserved person, you may interpret Joe's expressive body language as being angry, emotional or otherwise too extreme for the situation. On the other hand, you may interpret Jim's reserved body language as being calm, reasonable, and controlled. Another person who is more expressive would probably have an entirely different interpretation of the interaction between Joe and Jim.
Even your mood has a powerful impact on observation and interpretation of communication interactions. If you are in a bad mood and feeling negative, you are much more likely to interpret others as having that sae kind of bad mood and negative feelings. What if you are in a happy positive mood? You guessed it. Your interpretations are much more likely to perceive happiness and a positive mood in the body language and non-verbal behaviors of others.
Another factor in your interpretation as an observer is the relationship you have with the person or people you observe. You will naturally tend to observe and interpret the body language of a close friend or family member entirely different criteria than you would if observing a stranger, new acquaintance, or someone whom you strongly dislike.
Now, I'm not saying you are not a trustworthy observer just because you have your own perceptions, moods, and relationships. You are a human being so there is no way to be 100 percent unbiased and objective about anything.
What I want you to think about is how your own communication characteristics influence your interpretation of others' body language, and the effect it has on your judgment about a message, a sender, a receiver, or any combination of these. Awareness is the most important step toward choosing thoughtful, observation rather than simply relying on gut reaction and unconscious interpretation.
Astonishing Body Language Facts
The Finger Factor
You may not need your entire body to evaluate some general tendencies you might posses.
Look at your right hand and note the length of your index finger compared with the ring finger.
Most women (female pattern) have the fingers almost exactly the same length.
Most men (male pattern) have a shorter index finger.
Male pattern is more likely to be good at math.
Men with male are more likely to be physically aggressive throughout life.
Homosexual women tend to have a male pattern hand.
Men with older brothers have a masculine finger length than men without older brothers.
Men with more feminine finger ratios are more prone to depression.
Children with longer ring fingers compared to index fingers are likely to have higher math scores than literacy or verbal scores on the SAT college entrance exam.
Students with the reverse finger-length ratio are likely to have higher reading and writing, or verbal scores versus math scores.
Finally, all of these facts are on average. They are one piece of information you now have that you didn't when you bought this book.
Chapter 2 Takeaways
1. Body language and non-verbal behaviors are the most powerful part of the communication process. Most people don't realize just how powerful they truly are until they take a fresh look at their own body language during even the most mundane daily activities.
2. When you are the sender of a message your body language is a complex mix of behaviors. They can generally be categorized as either deliberate (conscious) or spontaneous (unconscious).
3. Deliberate body language can take the form of choosing a particular action or choosing not to take action at all. Spontaneous body language is automatic and unintentional. Learning to control it and manage it for different situations and social norms requires time and experience.
4. Children teenagers, and young adults tend to exhibit the most spontaneous non-verbal behaviors; this is primarily due to their relative youth and lack of life experiences. Adults who are expressive and extroverted tend to exhibit more spontaneous body language than do adults who are reserved and introverted.
5. When you are the receiver of a message, body language plays an important role. You interpret the sender's non-verbal behaviors and manage your own non-verbal behaviors. Receiving requires the processing of large amounts of information, so your brain handles most of it unconsciously. As the receiver, you make judgments about the message itself as well as about the sender.
6. When you are the observer, you rely even more on body language and non-verbal behaviors to interpret an interaction. Your own tendencies (expressive vs. reserved) influence your interpretations, as do many other things such as your mood, your personality, and your relationship with the observed participants.
Chapter 2 Worksheet
1. Review the Chapter 2 Takeaways and answer the following:
1. Which key point(s) did you find most interesting?
Why?
2. Which key point(s) did you find most surprising?
Why?
2. Imagine you are a body language skeptic. Write down three to five activities you have done today, and then write down all of the ways body language, and non-verbal behaviors influenced those activities.
3. Think about a communication interaction where you were the sender. Write down the body language and non-verbal behaviors you used and note which ones were deliberate and which ones were spontaneous.
4. Think about a communication interaction where you were the receiver. Write down the body language and non-verbal behaviors you processed, and then note how you interpreted the message, and how you interpret the sender.
5. Think about a communication interaction where you were the observer. How did your own personality, perception, mood, and personal relationships influence your observations and interpretations?
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